Joke for the Day

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Got this from Soo Guan's Facebook. Thought it's amazing a Chinese immigrant can deliver such humour. Skills to pick up for us here - make your speeches humorous.

Post by Passiontab.com.

What is Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Stamp Denomination

An old woman who have not been to Post Office (PO) for 20 years decided to buy stamps, to send Christmas greeting cards.

The PO clerk attended to the old lady: Ma'am may I know what denominations you want to have?".

Madam: Good grief! What the world it have come to, after 20 years! Ok...ok, give me four (4) stamps Methodist, 6 Lutheran, 7 Roman Catholic and 9 Baptist..... and add 10 more sundries denominations :) in case some in my greeting listing are cult group :)

Contributed by Ban Huat

Conversation with God

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What's a million years to you?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Yes, just wait a second.

The Paradox of Money

When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.

When without money, eat wild vegetables at home ;
When have money, eat same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride bicycle exercise machine.

When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.

When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.

Contributed by Frank Lee

Joke of the Day

Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

One Student: “Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Joke of the Day

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.